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27

Dec

When I dip you dip we dip

Are you tired of being called ”the boring one” out of the group? Want to seem cool in any situation? Ever heard of the song ”Da Dip” by Freak Nasty? (All of “the fun ones” have!) Take the words to the song and make them topical; it’s sure to make you a hit amongst your peers!
 
Need some help getting started? (Of course you do—you’re boring!) Here are some examples:
 
"When I trip you trip we trip." -sing it to someone you’re about to go on vacation with
 
"When I Pip you Pip we Pip." -sing it to your English class while reading Great Expectations
 
"When I flip you flip we flip" -sing it to your cheerleading squad
 
"When I nip you nip we nip" -sing it when hanging you’re hanging out with Jack Frost
 
"When I sip you sip we sip" -sing it to someone you’re sharing a milkshake with 
 
"When I whip you whip we whip" -say it when you’re watching Family Guy
 
"When I Crip you Crip we Crip" -sing it at your gang meetings

12

Dec

99 Solutions by Jay-Z

With Jay-Z and Beyonce’s baby due this month (Or is it? So much speculation!), I thought it time for Jay-Z to get started on a children’s album. I’ve gone ahead and done him the favor of rewriting a more kid-friendly version of one of his most popular tracks. Let’s kick itttt.

 

If you’re havin’ child problems you better be teasin’

I got 99 solutions and my baby is the reason.

I got bottle patrol on the night patrol

Friends that wanna make sure my bassinet’s secure

Rap critics they say he’s “Become such a bore.”

I’m from the NY silly, you’ve heard of it I’m sure.

If you grew up with holes in ya Robeez

You’d be celebrating the minute you was havin’ cheese.

I’m like “Thank you critics but I don’t agree,

If you don’t like my lyrics you can kindly leave.”

I have lunch with other fathers so we can better get to know

How things are going with raising our kids SO.

Baby mags try and use pics of me as a dad

So advertisers can give ‘em more cash for ads, it’s flattering.

I don’t know what the articles will portray me as

But I hope they mention the parenting skills that Jay-Z has

I’m from bachelor to father, I’m so proud

99 solutions and my baby is the reason.

Burp it

99 solutions and my baby is the reason.

If you’re havin’ child problems you better be teasin’

I got 99 solutions and my baby is the reason.

Burp it

 

The year’s 2012, in the trunk sits my baby’s stroller

In my rear view mirror is the police patroller.

So I pull over to the side of the road

I hear, “Sir do you know what I’m stoppin’ you for?”

Cause I didn’t wait long enough back at that stop sign?

I’m not sure officer, can you tell me my crime?

Can you tell me soon? My baby’s starting to whine.

"Well you was doin thirty-four in a thirty-five,

Just congratulating you on your safe driving and keeping your baby alive”

99 solutions and my baby is the reason.

Burp it

99 solutions and my baby is the reason.

If you’re havin’ child problems you better be teasin’

I got 99 solutions and my baby is the reason.

Burp it

You’re crazy for this one Rick

It’s a girl!

22

Nov

Why the Republican Party is Ruining America

Ask me what my favorite food is. Why, it’s pizza, thanks for asking! I could eat pizza every day for the rest of my life and at the end of it, while I’m lying on my deathbed hooked up to monitors in the hospital, you could ask me what my favorite food is and I would still answer with, “Why, it’s pizza, thanks…for…ask..ing…” Beep beep beeeeeeeep.

A recent poll shows that 67% of Americans agree*. It’s an amazing food and it gives back to the community. Parents can feed their whole family at a low cost, college students have something to eat at the end of a night of drinking, and I can buy a pizza and not have to cook dinner for the next three days. True lovers of pizza take their passion very seriously. So why is the Republican Party turning pizza into such a joke?

Herman Cain, a Republican presidential candidate, performed a parody of John Lennon’s “Imagine” in the 1990s and it’s reemerged due to his campaign. His version of the song is titled “Imagine There’s No Pizza.” Uhhh, that’s not something to joke about. Are you trying to create mass hysteria? Cain’s lyrics may have been intended as an ode to pizza but it’s currently making pizza the butt of all jokes. If this wasn’t enough of a mockery of the beloved food, Cain has been going around telling people that you can judge a man by how many toppings he has on his pizza. He believes that pizzas piled high with vegetables are “sissy pizzas”. Sissy pizza? NO SUCH THING. Whoever he said that to should have just walked away after such a ludicrous statement. Someone needs to issue a gag order (maybe some mozzarella?) to ensure that Cain stops talking about pizza. He’s ruining its image.

Speaking of ruining an image, the GOP wants tomato paste to be considered a vegetable, thereby classifying pizza itself a vegetable. If someone had told me as a child that pizza was a vegetable, I would never have tried it! I think the same would go for a lot of kids. It’s almost as if the Republican party WANTS kids to have an aversion to pizza, as if…they are trying to do away with pizza in America altogether. This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise though. After all, what else would you expect from a party that stands for “Get Out, Pizza”?

Imagine there’s no pizza? THE GOP WOULD LIKE THAT, WOULDN’T THEY? If we don’t do something now to stop them, our children’s children’s children might grow up never knowing that pizza even existed. And with so many dependent on pizza, a nation without it will surely fall. That’s why I sit here typing before you, to ask you to stand up with me against the GOP, so that we as the Pizza Party might protect the future generations of Americans from ever having to live in a world without this delicious gift. Who’s with me??

*Results based on a survey I conducted using myself, the mailman, and a neighborhood cat. If a broader group were polled, percentage might be higher.

14

Nov

I have in my possession the cutest mini jug of apple cider.

I want to wear matching outfits with it and take it out in a stroller and have people tell me how lucky I am to have such an adorable cider. They’ll tell me that they think he looks like me and I’ll say something like, “You think? I think he looks more like his father.” Mothers will look at me in awe, wondering how I so effortlessly balance work and family while still managing to look stylish.

I’ll be the poster child for moms of cider but underneath it all, I have a deep-seated problem…a drinking problem. I’m slowly drinking away the child whom I love but I can’t help myself: I’m really thirsty. With my lack of willpower, I try to continue as if nothing is wrong but I’ve virtually emptied Cider of everything that made him who he was and all that remains is a skeleton of his former self. I’m hoping that his father won’t notice if I just continue to go about my daily routine and add some water with food coloring to Cider’s jug but I know that my deceit will soon be discovered.

I was discovered. Cider’s father began to suspect something when he saw that I wasn’t putting Cider in the refrigerator over night. When I wasn’t around, he took the top off of Cider to smell him and realized that there was nothing left. I came home from work that day to a puddle of dyed water on the kitchen floor. When I turned the corner into the dining room, I was horrified to find my husband curled up on the floor in the fetal position with Cider’s container in his arms. I tried to rationalize with my husband, “We’ll be fine without him, we have some Sunny D in the fridge,” but it was to no avail.

We had Cider’s remains dipped in gold and they rest atop our mantelpiece. My husband looks at them from time to time, always followed by a sideways glance in my direction and a longing sigh. I will forever live with the guilt of what I did to our family. I know that I cannot change what I did, but I am happy to report that I made the decision to obtain my hydration through an IV from now on. I hope that anyone reading this might learn from my story.

10

Nov

Top 5 Funniest Shit Scenes in a Movie

I just watched a movie with a bathroom scene and it got me stinking… Sure, bathroom scenes are repulsive and cringe-worthy, but to me, they never get old! Which is why I have compiled my Shit List, or if you want to be PC about it, my Top 5 Funniest Shit Scenes in a Movie. Let’s get this potty started.

5. White Chicks. Say cheese! Lactose intolerant Marcus (dressed undercover as white chick Tiffany) eats a bunch of quiche before realizing it’s made of dairy. Marcus’s “girlfriends” won’t let him go to the bathroom alone (a mark of a true friend!) so they all go together and he explodes in the bathroom while they stand by and listen in disgust. He manages to keep a ladylike air about him in the process although I’m sure the same couldn’t be said for the actual air in the room. I love how his girlfriends carry on an inane conversation about a boy the whole time and how Marcus keeps clinging to the walls and putting his stiletto boots in awkward positions. Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvhtG3YNLcc

4. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. As if shitting wasn’t fun enough, two hot girls have turned it into a game! And Harold and Kumar are stuck in the middle of it. Literally. They are in a bathroom stall sandwich with the two girls in surrounding stalls and them in the middle, unbeknownst to the girls. Harold and Kumar had wanted to have sexsual relations with the girls but are turned off when they hear them playing “Battleshits.” Who wants to do the nasty with someone when you think they’re nasty, AM I RIGHT?? The sounds coming out of the girls are so frightening to Harold and Kumar that they accidentally drop their bag of weed in the toilet (POT IN THE POT! POT IN THE POT! is what I would have screamed). Kumar almosttt tries to save it but is so repulsed by the girls that he runs out of the bathroom after Harold. Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycpEzSqYBGA

3. Not Another Teen Movie. Three geeky boys watch a girl on the toilet while they spy on her from above in an air duct. They think that she’s just peeing but boys are they in for a surprise! And so is the girl for that matter. She seems completely oblivious to what is coming out of her ass. She sits on the toilet applying make up and flossing and making surprised faces at every step as if she’s never taken a shit before in her life. An English teacher gives a poetry lesson to his class on the floor directly below the bathroom and he gets more and more passionate as he speaks about the intellectual humor that kids these days lack. In the climax of his speech, just as he’s referring to the students’ humor as “human excrement”, the floor buckles and the boys from the vent, the girl and the toilet all come crashing into the classroom, followed by a spraying of shit over all of them. Talk about ironic timing! After they are showered with the remnants of the toilet, we end the scene with the girl farting on the floor of the classroom with the boys. She remains naïve and coyly says, “Excuse me.” Girl needs to get a clue and wipe her ass with it! Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxrXIYfQDHA

2. Van Wilder. This scene doesn’t actually take place in a bathroom, which gives it that extra PUSH it needed to get it toward the top of the list. Richard is an asshole and has been treating his girlfriend like shit while he’s been preparing for his medical exam. His girlfriend decides to get payback by making him a shake filled with Colon Blow right before the test. When Richard sits down to take the exam, his stomach starts making crazy noises that distract his fellow test-takers. There are no bathroom breaks so Richard speeds through his exam, maniacally filling in answers without reading the questions so he can leave the room. On the way to the bathroom, a man from the exam board pulls him into a room to meet the rest of the board. Richard is sweating profusely. The man asks, “Is there something you want to say? You look like you want to get something out, son.” That’s when Richard proceeds to pull down his pants and uncontrollably shit in a trashcan in front of the exam board that he was trying so hard to impress. Couldn’t have happened to a better guy!!! Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOyxm5R63RM

1. Dumb and Dumber. Revenge is the “toot” cause of this bathroom scene. Harry has been stabbing Lloyd in the back by secretly seeing Lloyd’s unrequited love interest, Mary. Lloyd finds out and to get even, he spikes Harry’s drink of tea with Turbo Lax during their good luck toast. Harry discovers that his stomach is making strange noises as he drives to Mary’s house so once there, he finds a bathroom and lets loose. His high-pitched shrieks while shitting make it sound like he’s in total ecstasy. And between you and me, his contented giggle after that OH so adorable itty-bitty baby fart is what earned him this spot at number one. But no folks, it doesn’t end there! The aftermath of the shit is what really adds to the scene. While he’s trying to air the room out, Mary knocks on the door to tell him that the toilet is broken. *Cue Psycho music* He tries frantically to fix the toilet but settles on picking up the entire bowl and dumping his shit out the window. Gosh I love this movie. Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwcVJMvVWDA

Honorable mentions include:

Bridesmaids. Maya Rudolph SHITS. in the STREET. while wearing a WEDDING DRESS!! Had I been able to find a video of it anywhere on the internet, it probably would have made my list.

Trainspotting. It has not one but TWO shit scenes, one in a bathroom and one in bed. They pull the old “shit in the sheets” trick and I couldn’t even bring myself to watch it because I throw up a little bit every time the shit flies everywhere.

Along Came Polly. A ferret crawls under the door to watch Ben Stiller on the toilet. Not to mention, the film popularized the term “shart” and shall forever remain a legend in the eyes of many.

Who am I kidding? There are so many others that I love watching but I had to choose just a select few because exclusion makes the chosen seem that much more important.

PS—I want to make a farce (I’ll be calling it a “farts” of course) of “Hot Shots” called “Hot Shits”. Just throwing it out there for anyone who would like to collaborate!

25

Oct

I have nothing to post right now so here, have an old blog post until I get this up and running…

So today I did it. For the past month or so, I had been sharing my room with a spider that had come to be known as Stuart; he was Charlotte’s son. I’m not a fan of killing insects if they aren’t bothering me and Stuart brought nothing but joy to my life. We lived in harmony. I would watch him as he waited patiently for baby ants to walk by so he could holler at them, and he watched patiently as I dropped my towel in preparation for a new day. He was a roommate that never really bugged me…yes, pun intended. He just hung out in the corner of my ceiling getting high(or as he called it, “getting ceilinged”) and making webs. Before Stuart, when there were other spiders in my room, I would wake up with spider bites all over my body. I knew Stuart would never turn on me like that. We had an unspoken agreement based on respect for each other. Then today I noticed it: Stuart made a friend. I’m not sure if this friend was a “lady friend,” or just someone he liked to get ceilinged with, but I bugged out(is this still funny?) when I saw that the numbers had multiplied. I trusted him on his own, but with two against one, I felt uneasy. We had so many wonderful memories together…was I really ready to give them up? Well, after about a month of having the perfect roommate, Stuart’s lease was up. I feel terrible about the whole situation, but I had to do it. I mean really, who wants to be double-teamed in their sleep anyway?